Sometimes when I hug Lennon, I cry. Not because I'm sad, well, I am a little sad, but mainly because I hug him and I just want so badly for life to come easier to him. How do I do that? How do I change his future? How do I set him on a path that I am certain of?
After Anabelle started preschool I had time to focus on Lennon. And at that point in time, when he was almost 2 years old, there wasn't much to worry about. He seemed like a "typical" kid and the only thing that I began to notice was his communication was where Anabelle's was... and even a little bit more delayed. When I took him to the pediatrician for his well visits the Dr. would make comments like, "he can see me... he knows I'm here". We all saw it. We all saw Lennon look at us, smile at us, notice when I left the room, give great eye contact. He knew us and his family and when we took a week off to travel as a family in April 2010, (Lennon was 14 months old), he handled the plane and the trip like a champ. In fact, both he and Anabelle did. We came back from that trip and walked right into Mother's Day... We went to my moms house to celebrate and I was almost distracted enough to notice that my period hadn't come yet. There was no mistaking it. I knew right then and there. I was pregnant. And when most people would celebrate such a beautiful thing, I cried. In the privacy of my own home of course. But I cried. In my mind I was finally settling down and into a routine life with my family of 4. I had a lot figured out and I was getting Anabelle what she needed. I just wasn't prepared to handle what was next.
The next 9 months were by far my absolute worst in pregnancy history. I was sicker than I had ever been and more often than not I could barely muster up enough energy to load Anabelle and Lennon in the car to drive Anabelle to school. And then go back 3 hours later to pick her up. Leaving the couch was so difficult for me. And this is where my guiltiest of guiltiest of guilts come in. Most of the time I left Lennon to his own vices... watching TV. I knew it wasn't the best choice, but I was so tired. And so sick. And so not present. During what some would argue were the most crucial of his developmental years (months 14 through 2 years old) I was sick and pregnant and neglectful. I scheduled play dates here and there and tried my best to expose my children to social situations while still dealing with a child who might run away. I feel like I tried my best, but perhaps I could have tried harder. I will always feel like I could have done more.
When my pregnancy reached the end and I was gearing up for the home birth I had wanted for so long I started to notice things in Lennon that brought me back to a time when worry ran my life. A time that was not that far behind me. Here I was, preparing to bring a new life into this world and all of a sudden I was hit with the idea that my baby boy needed more from me. How dare I not see this sooner? How dare I not notice earlier? How could I assume that everything was fine, which was purely based on fear. It's like everything I was afraid of with Anabelle was hitting me with Lennon. And it was only the beginning.
Lennon turned 2 on New Years Eve of 2010 and a couple weeks later I gave birth at home to a heathy baby boy. We named him Tiger, after his daddy's childhood nickname. I enrolled Lennon in preschool a couple months after that, hoping that would help him along with his speech and language and a few months later I had him assessed by our local Regional Center. Those findings qualified him for speech twice a week as well as a once weekly group therapy session. I was in denial. I admit it. I didn't want to believe that I was going through this again and considering how well Anabelle was doing I wanted to believe Lennon would have the same outcomes and developmental growth. If you could have been a fly on the wall in my brain you would have slapped me to snap me out of my talking to myself a hundred miles a minute. I wish someone did.
Sometimes I feel like 2008 - 2011 was such a blur. And other times I remember everything and can't stop the tears from falling. There were so many happy time too, I promise. Oh man, so many happy times. Smiles and laughs for days. Those smiles and laughs is what got me through everything else.
