Summer was over and it was time for school to start back up again... I was so excited and a lot nervous for Anabelle to start at her new school and I was unsure of how Lennon would handle going back after the summer break. I wasn't sure how I would handle getting both kids to school on time knowing that I would want to stay and wait and make sure both of them settled in ok. Fortunately Eric took the day off so we could drop off the kids together.
We arrived at Monarch Academy first because the start of their school day was 15 minutes earlier than Anabelle's school and walked Lennon to class. Even though he had a new teacher that year we were already familiar with her as she had been teaching there for years. Also the most important part was that the assistant teacher was the same wonderful, caring, loving teacher he had the prior year. We felt comfortable leaving him knowing he would be in good hands. We dropped him off, said our good byes and got in the car to drive Anabelle to her brand new school. The drive to our 1st day of Kindergarten was an emotional one. We drove past an industrial area off of a long stretch of road that clearly once belonged to animals and has since been taken over by electric wiring/buildings and underneath a lone tree were a family of dear, grazing on the grass. At first I felt sad to see them surrounded by so much "city life", and then I went to the symbolism of it all and began to smile with anticipation. It had to mean that we were on the right path for Anabelle. I did, however, start to worry about the path we set Lennon on.
When we arrived at SCVi we walked Anabelle in, taking pictures along the way, and when we arrived at her class she walked right in and immediately began to make herself at home. Communication was still a bit of a struggle for her so I jumped right in to help "translate". Her teacher was brand new to the school and had a quiet and calm energy about her. I saw a few other families with kids from Monarch Academy and once again felt reassured about our choice to enroll Anabelle.
Each learner made a name tag for themselves and I helped Anabelle with hers. The Facilitator asked the learners to sit in a circle around her so she could begin introductions and as class began Eric and I stood in the back, watching and taking it all in. Our baby girl was in Kindergarten. And, as her parents, we were welcome to stay and observe as long as we felt we needed to. If I wanted to volunteer in the classroom all I had to do was have a current TB Test on record and get Live Scanned by our local Sheriffs Station. Which to me was a no brainer. Once that was complete I was able to be in the class as often as I wanted. Open Door Policy.
Eric and I kissed Anabelle good bye and let her know we would be back in less than 4 hours to pick her up. I had arranged for Lennon to stay at preschool for "Lunch Bunch" so we could pick up Anabelle 1st and then head to Monarch to pick him up.
The time in-between school drop off and pick up is a blur to me. I am sure I tended to baby Tiger and watched the clock until it was time to pick them up. I don't remember if Eric stayed home with Tiger while I picked up the kids or if we left him at home, (with my sister) and both went. I remember when we arrived to pick Anabelle up she had her shoes on, but at some point had taken her socks off. I didn't care, it is just what I remembered. She was in good spirits and I loved that I was able to walk in and see her "in action" right before I picked her up. I really want to reflect on her 1st day of Kindergarten and how awesome it was, but my heart is filled with anxiety over what happened with Lennon and his 1st day back.
When I arrived at Monarch Academy my heart broke when I saw Lennon's teacher sitting on the couch in the lobby, holding Lennon who was and had been crying. Turns out that extra hour of school and lunch did not go as I had planned, (HOPED). I am not sure if I ever told you about the fact that in addition to being a screamer Lennon used to also hit his head (hard) in frustration. And not with his hands... He would hit his head on the wall or he would head butt Eric or I. There are few things worse than seeing your child deliberately hurt himself because his feelings/emotions are so overwhelming. When I walked into the lobby, I grabbed Lennon and just held him while the teacher explained to me that he didn't do well with transitioning from class to lunch and began to hit his head on the desk in frustration and wouldn't stop crying/screaming. They thought it could have been due to the noise and amount of kids in the class, but I was sure it was because he didn't want to eat what was given to him. It very well could have been a combo of both. I should have listened to my inner worry about leaving him there to eat a lunch that was not provided by me, especially when I knew how food could be a trigger for him. Instead I somehow convinced myself that he would be ok and utterly failed.
He wound up falling asleep in the car on the way home which also told me that it was just too much for him. I spent some time speaking with both the Lead and Assistant Teachers and rather than trying to acclimate Lennon to a new schedule that was clearly so stressful for him I opted to take him out of lunch bunch. This meant I would be picking him up an hour earlier (11:30am instead of 12:30pm) and on the way to get Anabelle. Still only 3 days/week.
This also led me to inquire about other avenues I could take and what else I could do to help him. At the same time I felt there weren't any answers for the questions I had, I knew I had to keep seeking for more. More. My children deserved nothing less.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
The Long and Winding Road
At the same time I was basking in the glow of having a good 2011/2012 school year for Anabelle and Lennon I was struggling with what my next move for Anabelle would be for Kindergarten. I found myself in that all too familiar place of worry and fear of where our next journey of school would take place. My brain hurt. The idea that a school was chosen for my children simply based upon where I lived infuriated me. My kids needed more than just geography.
Every year at Monarch felt safe and I had (have) trust that my children were being taken care. The teacher:student ratios were low and I knew that at any time I could walk in and either observe or sit in the class. So when it came time for Anabelle to "graduate" out of Pre-K and move on to Kindergarten I panicked. Anabelle is, in a few words, an incredible little girl. I cannot talk about her amazing spirit without crying. She is a free spirit with a beautiful soul and a great big creative imagination. She has an energy about her that makes you smile without even knowing it. She does not fit in a box and there was absolutely no way I would do her the injustice of enrolling her at a traditional public school where she would surely be lost in the shuffle. The very thought of her being in an over crowded classroom of 30+ made me want to vomit. Add to that the fact that parent's are "not allowed" to sit in the classrooms on a daily basis made the school our house was "zoned for" completely out of the question. She is a little girl who often times had trouble sitting still. She liked to (needed to) run and couldn't always just sit still, even though it would surely be expected of her. I felt like I didn't have any options. I inquired about a couple of other schools within our district, but was told an inter-distric transfer was not an option. Yep. Not an option. For me personally, homeschooling was not an option either. Anabelle needed social interactions, on a daily basis, and frankly I didn't trust myself to give her a thriving school environment at home. I believe in Co-Schooling and just needed to find a "partner in crime" in this next venture.
One day while dropping the kids at preschool I began talking to the directors of Monarch Academy about my concern with what our next step should be. I explained to them that I had been crying over what to do and I needed to figure out a plan soon. I am not one to ever give up, but I was beginning to feel like I might have to seek schooling further away, and potentially move to another city. I found an amazing school in the city I grew up in, (about 30-40 minutes away) and was seriously considering it. While talking to the directors they had asked me if I had heard of our local Charter School, SCVi. My head perked up immediately as I said, "no.... but please tell me more"! They told me where it was located and suggested I take a tour to really get a feel for it myself. So, I did. I kept my options open and wound up touring both the school where I grew up as well as SCVi. I fell in love with both schools. Immediately. Pros for SCVi were location AND it was a K-10 school at the time with plans to grow to a full K-12 School. The other school, (Mariposa School of Global Education, a Waldorf based school) was only K-8 and that meant public high school as well as either moving closer or commuting. I filled out enrollment forms for both schools, telling myself that fate would take hold of us all and what was meant to happen would happen.
The things I loved most about both schools were the fact that children were allowed to be children. There were no desks that each child had to remain seated at and there weren't any unrealistic expectations. Parents volunteering on a daily basis was not only allowed, but requested. And sitting in the classrooms was often encouraged. Open Door Policy, if you will. Of course after being Live Scanned (with the Department of Justice) and having a current TB test on file). The Lottery for SCVi was scheduled a week before Mariposa and since I was able to attend I told myself that if Anabelle's name was called she would attend SCVi. The truth is as much as I loved Mariposa I did not want to move nor were we in a financial place to do so. I had to put that positive energy out there.
I applied to SCVi on January 4, 2012 and on March 30, 2012 I sat in a room with other eager and anxious parents where they called each name one by one, by luck of the draw.... I was so nervous and every time they pulled a card and started with "Kindergarten" my heart stopped. And then they would begin to say a kids name that was not mine and I would lay my head low. And then, of course, I would clap and cheer for the family of the child who was called because how amazing for them! It's all about your energy people. Put out the good and get the good in return.
They were getting to the bottom of the list for Kindergarten and while I didn't lose hope I was definitely feeling a little discouraged. They called a couple more names and then, like the smell of fresh baked pie, I perked up when I heard, "Kindergarten... Anabelle... Korni...ch?" I stood up and happily called out "Kornick?!" They shook their heads YES and everyone cheered and I cried. And just like that, we were in. It was absolutely meant to be. A week later I was notified that Anabelle also got into Mariposa. I kindly declined and felt ready to embark on our next adventure. Another pro to Anabelle getting into SCVi was that a handful of her friends from Monarch Academy also got in. The years of early friendship would be given a chance to flourish and grow.
Every year at Monarch felt safe and I had (have) trust that my children were being taken care. The teacher:student ratios were low and I knew that at any time I could walk in and either observe or sit in the class. So when it came time for Anabelle to "graduate" out of Pre-K and move on to Kindergarten I panicked. Anabelle is, in a few words, an incredible little girl. I cannot talk about her amazing spirit without crying. She is a free spirit with a beautiful soul and a great big creative imagination. She has an energy about her that makes you smile without even knowing it. She does not fit in a box and there was absolutely no way I would do her the injustice of enrolling her at a traditional public school where she would surely be lost in the shuffle. The very thought of her being in an over crowded classroom of 30+ made me want to vomit. Add to that the fact that parent's are "not allowed" to sit in the classrooms on a daily basis made the school our house was "zoned for" completely out of the question. She is a little girl who often times had trouble sitting still. She liked to (needed to) run and couldn't always just sit still, even though it would surely be expected of her. I felt like I didn't have any options. I inquired about a couple of other schools within our district, but was told an inter-distric transfer was not an option. Yep. Not an option. For me personally, homeschooling was not an option either. Anabelle needed social interactions, on a daily basis, and frankly I didn't trust myself to give her a thriving school environment at home. I believe in Co-Schooling and just needed to find a "partner in crime" in this next venture.
One day while dropping the kids at preschool I began talking to the directors of Monarch Academy about my concern with what our next step should be. I explained to them that I had been crying over what to do and I needed to figure out a plan soon. I am not one to ever give up, but I was beginning to feel like I might have to seek schooling further away, and potentially move to another city. I found an amazing school in the city I grew up in, (about 30-40 minutes away) and was seriously considering it. While talking to the directors they had asked me if I had heard of our local Charter School, SCVi. My head perked up immediately as I said, "no.... but please tell me more"! They told me where it was located and suggested I take a tour to really get a feel for it myself. So, I did. I kept my options open and wound up touring both the school where I grew up as well as SCVi. I fell in love with both schools. Immediately. Pros for SCVi were location AND it was a K-10 school at the time with plans to grow to a full K-12 School. The other school, (Mariposa School of Global Education, a Waldorf based school) was only K-8 and that meant public high school as well as either moving closer or commuting. I filled out enrollment forms for both schools, telling myself that fate would take hold of us all and what was meant to happen would happen.
The things I loved most about both schools were the fact that children were allowed to be children. There were no desks that each child had to remain seated at and there weren't any unrealistic expectations. Parents volunteering on a daily basis was not only allowed, but requested. And sitting in the classrooms was often encouraged. Open Door Policy, if you will. Of course after being Live Scanned (with the Department of Justice) and having a current TB test on file). The Lottery for SCVi was scheduled a week before Mariposa and since I was able to attend I told myself that if Anabelle's name was called she would attend SCVi. The truth is as much as I loved Mariposa I did not want to move nor were we in a financial place to do so. I had to put that positive energy out there.
I applied to SCVi on January 4, 2012 and on March 30, 2012 I sat in a room with other eager and anxious parents where they called each name one by one, by luck of the draw.... I was so nervous and every time they pulled a card and started with "Kindergarten" my heart stopped. And then they would begin to say a kids name that was not mine and I would lay my head low. And then, of course, I would clap and cheer for the family of the child who was called because how amazing for them! It's all about your energy people. Put out the good and get the good in return.
They were getting to the bottom of the list for Kindergarten and while I didn't lose hope I was definitely feeling a little discouraged. They called a couple more names and then, like the smell of fresh baked pie, I perked up when I heard, "Kindergarten... Anabelle... Korni...ch?" I stood up and happily called out "Kornick?!" They shook their heads YES and everyone cheered and I cried. And just like that, we were in. It was absolutely meant to be. A week later I was notified that Anabelle also got into Mariposa. I kindly declined and felt ready to embark on our next adventure. Another pro to Anabelle getting into SCVi was that a handful of her friends from Monarch Academy also got in. The years of early friendship would be given a chance to flourish and grow.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Carry That Weight
Let's go back, once again. I apologize for the back and forth, but as soon as I finish one entry I remember so much more that led to that entry that I feel I must explain. Ok, I want to explain. You get it, right?
Lennon's first year at Monarch Academy For Young Children didn't "just happen". I enrolled him when he was 2 years old, twice a week, while he was still receiving Regional Center Services. I knew that once he turned 3 years old he would transition out of the Early Start Program, but I didn't know what our next step would be. Protocol is to have assessments done as well as meetings with Regional Center to discuss our next move. Children either transition out (no further services needed), transition to Special Education Services with an IEP (Individual Education Plan) or continue with Regional Center Services as well as Special Education Services, (with a qualifying developmental disability). You can read more about that here.
When Lennon turned 3 he was transitioned to Special Education Services. And this meant he would be transferring to a Special Education Classroom for preschool, even though he was already enrolled at Monarch Academy. You could see my dilemma can't you? I needed more information before I made the decision on whether or not to take him out of Monarch.
The problem was that Lennon's birthday is on New Years Eve and the district shuts down for the holidays. So our meetings all took place prior to the holiday break with the explanation and expectation (on their part) that once the district reopened Lennon would join the special day classroom mid-year. This meant that I had the entire holiday break to ponder over what decision to make. I had a lot of questions, naturally. I knew how Monarch ran, but was completely oblivious to how a traditional special education classroom ran. I had no idea who the teacher would be and this meant that I couldn't get to know her prior to dropping Lennon off on his 1st day. That didn't sit well with me. I was told that I would be getting a call from the teacher over the break to discuss the new year and I planned on asking all my questions then.
Over the break I did get a call from the teacher and when I asked about drop off and pick up procedures I was told that I would be expected to drop Lennon off in front of the school and not only would I not "be allowed" to walk him to class, I would "not allowed" to stay with him in class. I expressed my concerns and stated that he is only 3 years old, it's his 1st time going to preschool and if he's not ok I will walk him to class. Her response? "He's a big boy, he'll be fine". I still angry laugh at that response today. When I made my concerns even clearer and asked to meet with her before school started so I could know who I was expected to leave my child with she said, "I can't meet with you before school starts, but I'll only have about 5-10 minutes between classes to meet with you". That was the last straw for me. She could hear the frustration in my tone, I'm sure, so she did her best to extinguish the now fueled conversation by saying she would mail me the details of the class and if I had any further concerns after I read through the paperwork to please call her back.
And that is how it was left. I felt angry. And confused. I talked about it with everyone I knew. I didn't know what to do. I was never the parent who just dropped off her child and walked away. Wasn't my style. Still isn't. So what... Was I supposed to turn down services? In a world where children with special needs may not be getting the services they need did I dare say thank you, but no thank you? Did I sign that paper that says I "refused services" and keep him in a private preschool? Well, the answer was yes. I picked the school where we were all already so comfortable and where I knew and trusted the teachers. I picked Monarch. I felt so strongly that I would not just leave my child at the front of a school where he would be left to walk to class all by himself with a group of kids he didn't know and a teacher I had never met that I was willing to say no to a special education classroom. He was 3 years old, (still a baby) and I put his emotional needs first.
Lennon's first year at Monarch Academy For Young Children didn't "just happen". I enrolled him when he was 2 years old, twice a week, while he was still receiving Regional Center Services. I knew that once he turned 3 years old he would transition out of the Early Start Program, but I didn't know what our next step would be. Protocol is to have assessments done as well as meetings with Regional Center to discuss our next move. Children either transition out (no further services needed), transition to Special Education Services with an IEP (Individual Education Plan) or continue with Regional Center Services as well as Special Education Services, (with a qualifying developmental disability). You can read more about that here.
When Lennon turned 3 he was transitioned to Special Education Services. And this meant he would be transferring to a Special Education Classroom for preschool, even though he was already enrolled at Monarch Academy. You could see my dilemma can't you? I needed more information before I made the decision on whether or not to take him out of Monarch.
The problem was that Lennon's birthday is on New Years Eve and the district shuts down for the holidays. So our meetings all took place prior to the holiday break with the explanation and expectation (on their part) that once the district reopened Lennon would join the special day classroom mid-year. This meant that I had the entire holiday break to ponder over what decision to make. I had a lot of questions, naturally. I knew how Monarch ran, but was completely oblivious to how a traditional special education classroom ran. I had no idea who the teacher would be and this meant that I couldn't get to know her prior to dropping Lennon off on his 1st day. That didn't sit well with me. I was told that I would be getting a call from the teacher over the break to discuss the new year and I planned on asking all my questions then.
Over the break I did get a call from the teacher and when I asked about drop off and pick up procedures I was told that I would be expected to drop Lennon off in front of the school and not only would I not "be allowed" to walk him to class, I would "not allowed" to stay with him in class. I expressed my concerns and stated that he is only 3 years old, it's his 1st time going to preschool and if he's not ok I will walk him to class. Her response? "He's a big boy, he'll be fine". I still angry laugh at that response today. When I made my concerns even clearer and asked to meet with her before school started so I could know who I was expected to leave my child with she said, "I can't meet with you before school starts, but I'll only have about 5-10 minutes between classes to meet with you". That was the last straw for me. She could hear the frustration in my tone, I'm sure, so she did her best to extinguish the now fueled conversation by saying she would mail me the details of the class and if I had any further concerns after I read through the paperwork to please call her back.
And that is how it was left. I felt angry. And confused. I talked about it with everyone I knew. I didn't know what to do. I was never the parent who just dropped off her child and walked away. Wasn't my style. Still isn't. So what... Was I supposed to turn down services? In a world where children with special needs may not be getting the services they need did I dare say thank you, but no thank you? Did I sign that paper that says I "refused services" and keep him in a private preschool? Well, the answer was yes. I picked the school where we were all already so comfortable and where I knew and trusted the teachers. I picked Monarch. I felt so strongly that I would not just leave my child at the front of a school where he would be left to walk to class all by himself with a group of kids he didn't know and a teacher I had never met that I was willing to say no to a special education classroom. He was 3 years old, (still a baby) and I put his emotional needs first.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Crying, Waiting, Hoping
The 2011/2012 school year was an eventful year and a year that became both a stepping stone and a catalyst for Anabelle and Lennon.
For each classroom at their preschool there are two teachers. The lead teacher in Lennon's class was also Anabelle's teacher her 1st year so I was pleased to see that Lennon would have the same experience. The assistant was a new teacher, but I could tell right away that she loved what she did and had a genuinely kind heart.
As the year progressed I noticed a disconnect in the lead teacher and the moment I felt the need to say something to the Director of the school was the exact same moment the assistant was promoted to the lead. It was a move that I fully supported and one that forever changed our experience at Monarch - in a positive impactful way. The new lead teacher and I kept in constant communication about Lennon's progress with his speech and I even emailed them the report from his sessions as well as the assessments that were done by the therapists. It was important that we were all on the same page as to what he needed.
Anabelle was in a classroom with a teacher who was amazing and truly got her. I strongly believe that year was the one that jumpstarted her developmental growth into a whole new level. One developmental milestone in particular that we had trouble with was potty training. And while Anabelle was doing well with pee it took her longer with poop. She reached that milestone her Pre-K year. She turned 5 that year and it was the 1st year she had requested a birthday party - theme and all. Prior to then I would throw small parties for her based upon what I knew she loved, but she had never actually made specific requests. For her 5th birthday she wanted a super hero party; and she wanted to dress up as Bat Girl. And it was awesome.
Adjusting to a family of 5 with an infant, 2 children in preschool part time, weekly speech therapy sessions and trying to earn extra money was tough, but I felt like we were managing, (I am pretty sure I was, thanks to my Placenta Encapsulation Pills). Anabelle had her struggles with school subjects and social skills and Lennon struggled with his communication, however I was learning and watching and trying my best to help them. It was difficult to manage without feeling like I was compromising my parenting of the other 2 while focusing on the one, but I imagine every parent with multiple children feels that at one time or another... right? I do remember thinking that I desperately wanted to fast forward Anabelle and Lennon's growth so Tiger would have older siblings to talk to and play with. I was also desperate to not have a 3rd child with developmental concerns. Was there anything I could do? I still remember random people making random comments like, "oh how nice it must have been for Lennon to have an older sibling to talk to and play with" and all I wanted to say back was, "well, actually it wasn't like that because his older sister was delayed and only tandem played". Instead I said nothing and just secretly hoped that Tiger would have that as he grew up.
The 2011/2012 school year was a good one and I felt hopeful for a positive gain from there. And then summer arrived and without the financial capabilities to continue, school came to an end. We were at the peak of getting what we needed and we slowly, but surely began to plummet. I kept Lennon in speech based upon approved authorization requests, (in writing might I add) and then Anthem Blue Cross (shame on you!) denied all claims. Which was totally awesome because I totally had thousands of dollars laying around to pay for those sessions, (can you sense my angry sarcasm?).
Unfortunately our need to try to make ends meet overshadowed much of everything else that summer. Eric had a full time job and I was able to pick up some part time work, but we still found ourselves drowning in debt. We were fortunate, however, to have family who was willing and able to help. I will forever be grateful to our family for their help and support. Whether it was with babysitting, helping us financially or just by being there. We are definitely rich with love and support.
The summer of 2012 proved to be incredibly difficult and when it came time to go back to school the following fall I could see just how much it had truly affected Lennon. The break in his schedule, routine and school structure hindered his developmental growth and caused him to need more.
Anabelle won the lottery, literally, and got into the local charter school I was desperate for her to go to for Kindergarten and I re-enrolled Lennon 3 days/week at Monarch. And it was the fall of 2012 and the events thereafter that catapulted me into being the advocate my children needed me to be. There is still a lot to explain between then and now, and I will blog all about it, but I feel it's important to mark this time frame as the catalyst to where we are today.
For each classroom at their preschool there are two teachers. The lead teacher in Lennon's class was also Anabelle's teacher her 1st year so I was pleased to see that Lennon would have the same experience. The assistant was a new teacher, but I could tell right away that she loved what she did and had a genuinely kind heart.
As the year progressed I noticed a disconnect in the lead teacher and the moment I felt the need to say something to the Director of the school was the exact same moment the assistant was promoted to the lead. It was a move that I fully supported and one that forever changed our experience at Monarch - in a positive impactful way. The new lead teacher and I kept in constant communication about Lennon's progress with his speech and I even emailed them the report from his sessions as well as the assessments that were done by the therapists. It was important that we were all on the same page as to what he needed.
Anabelle was in a classroom with a teacher who was amazing and truly got her. I strongly believe that year was the one that jumpstarted her developmental growth into a whole new level. One developmental milestone in particular that we had trouble with was potty training. And while Anabelle was doing well with pee it took her longer with poop. She reached that milestone her Pre-K year. She turned 5 that year and it was the 1st year she had requested a birthday party - theme and all. Prior to then I would throw small parties for her based upon what I knew she loved, but she had never actually made specific requests. For her 5th birthday she wanted a super hero party; and she wanted to dress up as Bat Girl. And it was awesome.
My Bat Girl at Superhero Headquarters
(she picked the outfit - pink boots and all - by herself)
Adjusting to a family of 5 with an infant, 2 children in preschool part time, weekly speech therapy sessions and trying to earn extra money was tough, but I felt like we were managing, (I am pretty sure I was, thanks to my Placenta Encapsulation Pills). Anabelle had her struggles with school subjects and social skills and Lennon struggled with his communication, however I was learning and watching and trying my best to help them. It was difficult to manage without feeling like I was compromising my parenting of the other 2 while focusing on the one, but I imagine every parent with multiple children feels that at one time or another... right? I do remember thinking that I desperately wanted to fast forward Anabelle and Lennon's growth so Tiger would have older siblings to talk to and play with. I was also desperate to not have a 3rd child with developmental concerns. Was there anything I could do? I still remember random people making random comments like, "oh how nice it must have been for Lennon to have an older sibling to talk to and play with" and all I wanted to say back was, "well, actually it wasn't like that because his older sister was delayed and only tandem played". Instead I said nothing and just secretly hoped that Tiger would have that as he grew up.
The 2011/2012 school year was a good one and I felt hopeful for a positive gain from there. And then summer arrived and without the financial capabilities to continue, school came to an end. We were at the peak of getting what we needed and we slowly, but surely began to plummet. I kept Lennon in speech based upon approved authorization requests, (in writing might I add) and then Anthem Blue Cross (shame on you!) denied all claims. Which was totally awesome because I totally had thousands of dollars laying around to pay for those sessions, (can you sense my angry sarcasm?).
Unfortunately our need to try to make ends meet overshadowed much of everything else that summer. Eric had a full time job and I was able to pick up some part time work, but we still found ourselves drowning in debt. We were fortunate, however, to have family who was willing and able to help. I will forever be grateful to our family for their help and support. Whether it was with babysitting, helping us financially or just by being there. We are definitely rich with love and support.
The summer of 2012 proved to be incredibly difficult and when it came time to go back to school the following fall I could see just how much it had truly affected Lennon. The break in his schedule, routine and school structure hindered his developmental growth and caused him to need more.
Anabelle won the lottery, literally, and got into the local charter school I was desperate for her to go to for Kindergarten and I re-enrolled Lennon 3 days/week at Monarch. And it was the fall of 2012 and the events thereafter that catapulted me into being the advocate my children needed me to be. There is still a lot to explain between then and now, and I will blog all about it, but I feel it's important to mark this time frame as the catalyst to where we are today.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Don't Let Me Down
Sometimes when I hug Lennon, I cry. Not because I'm sad, well, I am a little sad, but mainly because I hug him and I just want so badly for life to come easier to him. How do I do that? How do I change his future? How do I set him on a path that I am certain of?
After Anabelle started preschool I had time to focus on Lennon. And at that point in time, when he was almost 2 years old, there wasn't much to worry about. He seemed like a "typical" kid and the only thing that I began to notice was his communication was where Anabelle's was... and even a little bit more delayed. When I took him to the pediatrician for his well visits the Dr. would make comments like, "he can see me... he knows I'm here". We all saw it. We all saw Lennon look at us, smile at us, notice when I left the room, give great eye contact. He knew us and his family and when we took a week off to travel as a family in April 2010, (Lennon was 14 months old), he handled the plane and the trip like a champ. In fact, both he and Anabelle did. We came back from that trip and walked right into Mother's Day... We went to my moms house to celebrate and I was almost distracted enough to notice that my period hadn't come yet. There was no mistaking it. I knew right then and there. I was pregnant. And when most people would celebrate such a beautiful thing, I cried. In the privacy of my own home of course. But I cried. In my mind I was finally settling down and into a routine life with my family of 4. I had a lot figured out and I was getting Anabelle what she needed. I just wasn't prepared to handle what was next.
The next 9 months were by far my absolute worst in pregnancy history. I was sicker than I had ever been and more often than not I could barely muster up enough energy to load Anabelle and Lennon in the car to drive Anabelle to school. And then go back 3 hours later to pick her up. Leaving the couch was so difficult for me. And this is where my guiltiest of guiltiest of guilts come in. Most of the time I left Lennon to his own vices... watching TV. I knew it wasn't the best choice, but I was so tired. And so sick. And so not present. During what some would argue were the most crucial of his developmental years (months 14 through 2 years old) I was sick and pregnant and neglectful. I scheduled play dates here and there and tried my best to expose my children to social situations while still dealing with a child who might run away. I feel like I tried my best, but perhaps I could have tried harder. I will always feel like I could have done more.
When my pregnancy reached the end and I was gearing up for the home birth I had wanted for so long I started to notice things in Lennon that brought me back to a time when worry ran my life. A time that was not that far behind me. Here I was, preparing to bring a new life into this world and all of a sudden I was hit with the idea that my baby boy needed more from me. How dare I not see this sooner? How dare I not notice earlier? How could I assume that everything was fine, which was purely based on fear. It's like everything I was afraid of with Anabelle was hitting me with Lennon. And it was only the beginning.
Lennon turned 2 on New Years Eve of 2010 and a couple weeks later I gave birth at home to a heathy baby boy. We named him Tiger, after his daddy's childhood nickname. I enrolled Lennon in preschool a couple months after that, hoping that would help him along with his speech and language and a few months later I had him assessed by our local Regional Center. Those findings qualified him for speech twice a week as well as a once weekly group therapy session. I was in denial. I admit it. I didn't want to believe that I was going through this again and considering how well Anabelle was doing I wanted to believe Lennon would have the same outcomes and developmental growth. If you could have been a fly on the wall in my brain you would have slapped me to snap me out of my talking to myself a hundred miles a minute. I wish someone did.
Sometimes I feel like 2008 - 2011 was such a blur. And other times I remember everything and can't stop the tears from falling. There were so many happy time too, I promise. Oh man, so many happy times. Smiles and laughs for days. Those smiles and laughs is what got me through everything else.
After Anabelle started preschool I had time to focus on Lennon. And at that point in time, when he was almost 2 years old, there wasn't much to worry about. He seemed like a "typical" kid and the only thing that I began to notice was his communication was where Anabelle's was... and even a little bit more delayed. When I took him to the pediatrician for his well visits the Dr. would make comments like, "he can see me... he knows I'm here". We all saw it. We all saw Lennon look at us, smile at us, notice when I left the room, give great eye contact. He knew us and his family and when we took a week off to travel as a family in April 2010, (Lennon was 14 months old), he handled the plane and the trip like a champ. In fact, both he and Anabelle did. We came back from that trip and walked right into Mother's Day... We went to my moms house to celebrate and I was almost distracted enough to notice that my period hadn't come yet. There was no mistaking it. I knew right then and there. I was pregnant. And when most people would celebrate such a beautiful thing, I cried. In the privacy of my own home of course. But I cried. In my mind I was finally settling down and into a routine life with my family of 4. I had a lot figured out and I was getting Anabelle what she needed. I just wasn't prepared to handle what was next.
The next 9 months were by far my absolute worst in pregnancy history. I was sicker than I had ever been and more often than not I could barely muster up enough energy to load Anabelle and Lennon in the car to drive Anabelle to school. And then go back 3 hours later to pick her up. Leaving the couch was so difficult for me. And this is where my guiltiest of guiltiest of guilts come in. Most of the time I left Lennon to his own vices... watching TV. I knew it wasn't the best choice, but I was so tired. And so sick. And so not present. During what some would argue were the most crucial of his developmental years (months 14 through 2 years old) I was sick and pregnant and neglectful. I scheduled play dates here and there and tried my best to expose my children to social situations while still dealing with a child who might run away. I feel like I tried my best, but perhaps I could have tried harder. I will always feel like I could have done more.
When my pregnancy reached the end and I was gearing up for the home birth I had wanted for so long I started to notice things in Lennon that brought me back to a time when worry ran my life. A time that was not that far behind me. Here I was, preparing to bring a new life into this world and all of a sudden I was hit with the idea that my baby boy needed more from me. How dare I not see this sooner? How dare I not notice earlier? How could I assume that everything was fine, which was purely based on fear. It's like everything I was afraid of with Anabelle was hitting me with Lennon. And it was only the beginning.
Lennon turned 2 on New Years Eve of 2010 and a couple weeks later I gave birth at home to a heathy baby boy. We named him Tiger, after his daddy's childhood nickname. I enrolled Lennon in preschool a couple months after that, hoping that would help him along with his speech and language and a few months later I had him assessed by our local Regional Center. Those findings qualified him for speech twice a week as well as a once weekly group therapy session. I was in denial. I admit it. I didn't want to believe that I was going through this again and considering how well Anabelle was doing I wanted to believe Lennon would have the same outcomes and developmental growth. If you could have been a fly on the wall in my brain you would have slapped me to snap me out of my talking to myself a hundred miles a minute. I wish someone did.
Sometimes I feel like 2008 - 2011 was such a blur. And other times I remember everything and can't stop the tears from falling. There were so many happy time too, I promise. Oh man, so many happy times. Smiles and laughs for days. Those smiles and laughs is what got me through everything else.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Here Comes The Sun
"Beautiful and graceful, varied and enchanting, small but approachable, butterflies lead you to the sunny side of life. And everyone deserves a little sunshine". ~Jeffrey Glassberg
I remember the day I toured Monarch Academy... I walked in after having a brief phone call with one of the directors and learning that their teaching styles and philosophy were on par with what I wanted for Anabelle. I sat in on what was at that time the Mommy & Me Early Preschool Class for 2-year olds and I toured their indoor playground, bathroom area and kitchen. I was not planning on just dropping Anabelle off and leaving if I enrolled her so I needed a preschool who would understand that. I also needed a preschool to understand the importance of children developing at their own pace, that potty training is in fact a developmental milestone, (Anabelle was not potty trained at her time of enrollment - and did you know that there are actual preschools out there who CHARGE parents if their children have an accident or are not potty trained?! Despicable!) and that children need to learn through play. I found it. I couldn't believe it. Everything they said and everything I read sounded so perfect. If I didn't see it with my own eyes I would say it was all too good to be true. I remember tears filling up in my eyes thinking that I actually found our 1st home away from home where I could trust my babies to be taken care of and supported. I agonized over the decision to finish her last speech session without reenrolling her, however finances were a large factor and it was a natural progression to move onto a social atmosphere. So, we enrolled Anabelle 2 days/week and on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Lennon and I would drop her off and then sit in the back of the classroom and enjoy our view. It was nice that I was able to bring him even though I had an abundance of help with babysitting from my family who lived close by. That was a huge victory to cross off of what felt like a never ending list of important to do's. Still so grateful till this day for my family at Monarch.
So, there I was... a self proclaimed recluse now committed to leaving my house twice a week with my babies to a place where other parents and children were. The very thing I was trying to avoid. The catch-22 of it all. The good news is I was not the one in charge. I got to let Anabelle be in a classroom with a teacher and other kids and I got to watch how she acted, reacted, played and learned. I could also watch her without her knowing as the preschool has monitors set up in a room off the kitchen. She separated from me easily, which made me happy and ok, maybe a little sad. Just a little! I was grateful she was so open to new things and that I could leave if Lennon needed me to.
Anabelle turned 3 years old just a couple months after that and all I could think was that I couldn't wait for Lennon to turn 2 so I could enroll him also. Just 10 months to go! Or so I thought.
I remember the day I toured Monarch Academy... I walked in after having a brief phone call with one of the directors and learning that their teaching styles and philosophy were on par with what I wanted for Anabelle. I sat in on what was at that time the Mommy & Me Early Preschool Class for 2-year olds and I toured their indoor playground, bathroom area and kitchen. I was not planning on just dropping Anabelle off and leaving if I enrolled her so I needed a preschool who would understand that. I also needed a preschool to understand the importance of children developing at their own pace, that potty training is in fact a developmental milestone, (Anabelle was not potty trained at her time of enrollment - and did you know that there are actual preschools out there who CHARGE parents if their children have an accident or are not potty trained?! Despicable!) and that children need to learn through play. I found it. I couldn't believe it. Everything they said and everything I read sounded so perfect. If I didn't see it with my own eyes I would say it was all too good to be true. I remember tears filling up in my eyes thinking that I actually found our 1st home away from home where I could trust my babies to be taken care of and supported. I agonized over the decision to finish her last speech session without reenrolling her, however finances were a large factor and it was a natural progression to move onto a social atmosphere. So, we enrolled Anabelle 2 days/week and on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Lennon and I would drop her off and then sit in the back of the classroom and enjoy our view. It was nice that I was able to bring him even though I had an abundance of help with babysitting from my family who lived close by. That was a huge victory to cross off of what felt like a never ending list of important to do's. Still so grateful till this day for my family at Monarch.
So, there I was... a self proclaimed recluse now committed to leaving my house twice a week with my babies to a place where other parents and children were. The very thing I was trying to avoid. The catch-22 of it all. The good news is I was not the one in charge. I got to let Anabelle be in a classroom with a teacher and other kids and I got to watch how she acted, reacted, played and learned. I could also watch her without her knowing as the preschool has monitors set up in a room off the kitchen. She separated from me easily, which made me happy and ok, maybe a little sad. Just a little! I was grateful she was so open to new things and that I could leave if Lennon needed me to.
Anabelle turned 3 years old just a couple months after that and all I could think was that I couldn't wait for Lennon to turn 2 so I could enroll him also. Just 10 months to go! Or so I thought.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
A Hard Day's Night
We celebrated every milestone in the Kornick household. No matter how big or small, it was a growth in a positive direction and worthy of praise. One step forward was always something I longed for and when it happened, even in the slightest of ways I felt so relieved. So grateful. And then I would watch and wait until the next step. Almost obsessively.
While Anabelle was working so hard on her speech I was determined to not have to go through this again with another child, (like it was my choice). I brought Lennon to every speech session in the hopes that he would somehow benefit from sitting there and hearing the lessons, (why not, right?). During Lennon's infancy I did not have any concerns that prompted me to start any early interventions. Other than the fact that he was the opposite of Anabelle in that he was up more often to nurse at night, needed to be held constantly and babbled like crazy there were no "red flags" in his early behavior. He was alert, had great eye contact, smiled at me when I smiled, etc. Everything an infant was "supposed" to do. I have read and been told about so many developmental charts my brain feels like it just might explode. While Anabelle was making great strides at speech, Lennon was happy to watch from the sidelines... as long as he was nursing or snacking. I could take that kid anywhere if I had his favorite snack to occupy his time so I could focus on not losing Anabelle. She was a runner and I would often need a friend or family member to accompany me if I went to the park or the mall (or anywhere) because of my worry about Anabelle running away while I was nursing Lennon or tending to him. It was always about Anabelle. And I mean that in a good, not negative way. I was just so worried about her and scared to death that she would run in the street or into some strangers arms, which was not far fetched considering she would often times ask strangers for their food or try to share her food with them.
Lennon cruised the developmental chart, month by month. Sat up around 5 months, cruised around 9 months, walked around 13 months, smiled, laughed, waved and was a very happy baby. His favorite food was beans. Pinto beans. He was on the right path and I was feeling so good about the fact
fact that we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with the interventions for Anabelle.
It wasn't until Lennon's 2 year approached that I began to see the signs. Again. He had words, but not as many as he "should". And he was also not stringing 2-3 words together. He was aware of his surroundings and I always knew what he wanted, however he too had a hard time communicating his feelings. And he too was a screamer. I had so many days where I questioned everything and wondered why and how and obviously it was something I did to have TWO children with concerns. Nothing could ever be "normal", right? I began to just avoid public situations. I remember one time I took Anabelle to an indoor bounce house near my house. I walked in with both kids, sat Lennon down with his snacks and went to play with Anabelle. She freaked out. Screaming and crying. It turned out the loud fans in the bounce house seriously affected her and I didn't realize it until that moment. Lennon didn't even get a chance to play. He just sat there, eating his snacks while I tried to calm Anabelle. And then we left. And I was at an all time low, feeling like there was nowhere for me to go where I wasn't worried about losing a child, where my children wouldn't be scared or where people wouldn't stare at them or question their "weird" behavior. I clearly lacked the confidence as a parent to stand up for my children. Mainly because I was still so full of questions and seeking answers. Now for both of my children. There had to be some place for me to go... Someone who would understand and be supportive. I know I had the support of a handful of friends, and that it was more me. More the fact that I was afraid of how people would interpret my children and that by me constantly translating for them they might begin to question their development also. And then I remembered the great advice the behavioralist gave me when she came to my house. Find a great preschool for Anabelle. One where she would be in a low teacher:student ratio. One where she would be allowed to explore and learn through play. And one where she would be supported and loved. So, when Anabelle was a few months shy of her 3rd birthday and Lennon was just over a year I enrolled her in a local family owned preschool that welcomed us with open arms and made us feel like we were apart of the family. Light in sight...
While Anabelle was working so hard on her speech I was determined to not have to go through this again with another child, (like it was my choice). I brought Lennon to every speech session in the hopes that he would somehow benefit from sitting there and hearing the lessons, (why not, right?). During Lennon's infancy I did not have any concerns that prompted me to start any early interventions. Other than the fact that he was the opposite of Anabelle in that he was up more often to nurse at night, needed to be held constantly and babbled like crazy there were no "red flags" in his early behavior. He was alert, had great eye contact, smiled at me when I smiled, etc. Everything an infant was "supposed" to do. I have read and been told about so many developmental charts my brain feels like it just might explode. While Anabelle was making great strides at speech, Lennon was happy to watch from the sidelines... as long as he was nursing or snacking. I could take that kid anywhere if I had his favorite snack to occupy his time so I could focus on not losing Anabelle. She was a runner and I would often need a friend or family member to accompany me if I went to the park or the mall (or anywhere) because of my worry about Anabelle running away while I was nursing Lennon or tending to him. It was always about Anabelle. And I mean that in a good, not negative way. I was just so worried about her and scared to death that she would run in the street or into some strangers arms, which was not far fetched considering she would often times ask strangers for their food or try to share her food with them.
Lennon cruised the developmental chart, month by month. Sat up around 5 months, cruised around 9 months, walked around 13 months, smiled, laughed, waved and was a very happy baby. His favorite food was beans. Pinto beans. He was on the right path and I was feeling so good about the fact
fact that we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with the interventions for Anabelle.
It wasn't until Lennon's 2 year approached that I began to see the signs. Again. He had words, but not as many as he "should". And he was also not stringing 2-3 words together. He was aware of his surroundings and I always knew what he wanted, however he too had a hard time communicating his feelings. And he too was a screamer. I had so many days where I questioned everything and wondered why and how and obviously it was something I did to have TWO children with concerns. Nothing could ever be "normal", right? I began to just avoid public situations. I remember one time I took Anabelle to an indoor bounce house near my house. I walked in with both kids, sat Lennon down with his snacks and went to play with Anabelle. She freaked out. Screaming and crying. It turned out the loud fans in the bounce house seriously affected her and I didn't realize it until that moment. Lennon didn't even get a chance to play. He just sat there, eating his snacks while I tried to calm Anabelle. And then we left. And I was at an all time low, feeling like there was nowhere for me to go where I wasn't worried about losing a child, where my children wouldn't be scared or where people wouldn't stare at them or question their "weird" behavior. I clearly lacked the confidence as a parent to stand up for my children. Mainly because I was still so full of questions and seeking answers. Now for both of my children. There had to be some place for me to go... Someone who would understand and be supportive. I know I had the support of a handful of friends, and that it was more me. More the fact that I was afraid of how people would interpret my children and that by me constantly translating for them they might begin to question their development also. And then I remembered the great advice the behavioralist gave me when she came to my house. Find a great preschool for Anabelle. One where she would be in a low teacher:student ratio. One where she would be allowed to explore and learn through play. And one where she would be supported and loved. So, when Anabelle was a few months shy of her 3rd birthday and Lennon was just over a year I enrolled her in a local family owned preschool that welcomed us with open arms and made us feel like we were apart of the family. Light in sight...
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