When I decided to write this blog, I made the decision to just put it all out there. I no longer felt the need (or want) to keep everything inside and since writing it all down has helped me in the past I turn to all of you to continue to do so. There is no "road map" to where I am going with this blog. I am pretty much reliving my life from Anabelle's birth through today and it is my hope that you'll go along for the ride. I also feel the need to let you know that because I don't have it all mapped out, I will often feel the need to go back to before my previous blog entry was based upon. And on that note...
Having a baby for me meant I was able to be the mother I always envisioned I would be. I would share moments of firsts with those around us and I would bask in the glow of what being a new mommy most often times means. And I did. Anabelle was such a joy. My sweet angel of a baby who slept and nursed and cried just enough to make me feel needed as her mama. She hit her milestones and did what she was "supposed" to do through her 1st 18 or so months. I had no idea what I was doing as a mother, but I knew she was mine and she was amazing. And Eric... oh man. To see him be a daddy just melted my fricken heart. Still does.
Being a new mom and having a child with behaviors, or a lack of behaviors, that are cause for concern can be so terrifying. And the circle I surrounded myself with at the time lacked the empathy I needed which made me feel completely alone. The only guides I had to go by were my friends babies and by their development, Anabelle was so behind. She just was not doing what they were doing. And instead of building a mountain of support I felt a whisper of "what is wrong with her" and could just feel that all eyes on were on her. I was even told by a friend during a play date that she was told Anabelle is Autistic. Which at that time just crushed me. Absolutely crushed me that the people I trusted to be my friends and with my fears about what could be wrong with my baby girl were talking about her behind our backs. The truth of the matter was Anabelle was developmentally delayed and did not have a diagnosis of Autism. I had taken her to doctor appointments, had her well visits and had her seen by a neurologist and an eye doctor. I put her through assessments and answered 100's of questions. She was just developing at her own pace is what I was told. And I agreed. Being a "late developer" was genetic as I didn't talk much until I was 3 or 4. The puzzle was Anabelle's to put together and she was doing it one piece at a time. And while I could offer her support to help, there was nothing I could do to rush the process.
None of this stopped my closest friends from talking about her as if she was Autistic. And in a world where self doubt was in abundance, the last thing I needed was the shadow of doubt that was cast upon me by those around me. For me that was the end of it. I needed to disconnect. Education was the key and it was clear to me that in my darkest of moments I was not where I needed to be. The road ahead was a scary one and even though I had been assured she was "fine", I couldn't help but still be so worried about my baby girl and how the world would perceive her. Up until that point I was in a world where people made comments and stared and because they did not understand what was going on with her they talked about her behind her back. And while she did in fact talk, but often did not respond to her peers when they talked to her, I felt the need to constantly translate for her. And speak for her. I knew what she she wanted and what she meant. I always knew.
When Anabelle was 21 months old I gave birth to a healthy baby boy we named Lennon, after our favorite Beatle. And 15 days later we moved further north for cheaper rent and to be closer to my family. I began to seek interventions and after a lengthy process and being turned down by the Regional Center for free services, (she did not qualify because she was not "delayed enough") we sought out the help of private speech therapy. Which of course was not covered by insurance. I am not a religious person. I have often used the term "I feel blessed" because I was raised in the church and I understand the sentiment behind it. Today I remain religion free and spiritual by nature. I say this because the next sentence I want to write is, "I feel so blessed" to have family who has helped us so tremendously in the past and today. Without the help of my family and my in-laws we would not be where we are today. I was able to sign Anabelle up for speech twice a week and with itty bitty Lennon in tow we had begun our journey of the ever so important early intervention.
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