As if worrying about getting pregnant, spina bifida or an invisible twin wasn't enough, now I had to worry about a neurological disorder? Couldn't I just enjoy my baby and not be filled with worry and guilt and like every milestone, or lack thereof, wasn't a sign of anything other than my baby just developing at her own pace? I realize how whiney that sounds. In the spirit of total and complete honesty, I gave you whiney.
The thing was, I didn't have to worry about Autism. But when your husband is sitting beside you, holding your infant and asks, completely out of the blue, "what about Autism"? you take a moment to wonder. And I know he wasn't asking because he was worried about it (after I asked him if he was actually worried about it and he said no). He was asking because was being a good parent and was trying to stay ahead of the curve by informing himself with what potential symptoms were and what we should look out for. I honestly don't remember how the pediatrician answered that question. I should have paid more attention. I was probably too busy worrying or staring at Anabelle. I do remember thinking that I would try my best to put it out of my mind and not obsess over every little thing she did. Or didn't do. And that lasted all of 5 minutes.
We went home and I am sure I went about our days as if that conversation had never happened. I kept it in the back of my mind where nobody would find it. I surrounded myself with friends who were also 1st time mommies and we met up every week for breastfeeding support group and playdates. And when you have a group of mommies and babies to play with and keep you busy, you simply don't have time to worry about your baby, right? Wrong. For me it only meant that I was now surrounded by other babies who were doing things that my baby was not. And it was painfully obvious that I wasn't the only one with growing concerns about how my baby wasn't developing "just like her friends". There comes a point in an infants age when toddlerhood kicks in and everything is put under a microscope and being compared to those around her. By the age of 2 Anabelle was not saying as many words as her friends or was only speaking in 1-word phrases instead of 2-3 words. She was the last to sit up, cruise, walk and talk. She would repeat words I said rather than answer yes or no questions and she did not have good eye contact. She did catch on quick when I taught her sign language at 6 months. Her preferred method of communication. She made her needs known. Just in the form of 1 word or by repeating the word I said last in a question I asked her. Having said that she often did not respond when I called her name. She seemed to zone out and liked to twirl. She rarely, if ever, initiated play with her friends and often participated in tandem playing instead of interacting with the other kids. And on top of drowning with worry over what was "wrong" with my baby girl I was 9 months pregnant, (did I mention I didn't know I was pregnant til I was 5 months along? You can read about that over here). It was the beginning of what quickly turned into an agonizing year.
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